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post #2341 of 2557 (permalink) Old 01-05-2017, 09:01 PM
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I only believe that story, because I still believe in Santa........LOL...
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I don't profess to know everything, and I may learn something new.

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post #2342 of 2557 (permalink) Old 01-06-2017, 07:00 AM
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James, I received the email from a trusted friend so it must be true!
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Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend. - Plautus






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post #2343 of 2557 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 09:43 PM
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Old men might walk slowly
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in the next paddock, fixed up with nice picnic tables, bbq, and some mango and avocado trees.

The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked". Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old men might walk slowly but they can still think fast.
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Harry



Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend. - Plautus






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post #2344 of 2557 (permalink) Old 01-16-2017, 11:12 PM
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Originally Posted by harrysin View Post
Old men might walk slowly
An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in the next paddock, fixed up with nice picnic tables, bbq, and some mango and avocado trees.

The dam was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam, as he hadn't been there for a while, to look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked". Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."

Moral: Old men might walk slowly but they can still think fast.


James
Sydney, Australia
.

I don't mind if other members disagree with my comments.
I don't profess to know everything, and I may learn something new.

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."




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post #2345 of 2557 (permalink) Old 01-17-2017, 10:27 PM
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A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”

“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”

“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”

“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”

“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.

“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”

“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …

“You missed the f— putt, didn’t you?”
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Frank

I may not know what I'm doing, but I am having fun doing it wrong!!

Happy Day Veterans!!
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post #2346 of 2557 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 09:24 PM
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The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage



At St. Gregory's Church in San Mateo CA , they have weekly husband's
marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was
approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same
woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to
treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka
her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all
the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife
for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."

Frank

I may not know what I'm doing, but I am having fun doing it wrong!!

Happy Day Veterans!!
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post #2347 of 2557 (permalink) Old 01-22-2017, 10:20 PM
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A MALE FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"
The Princess immediately said, "No!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated
thin, long-legged, full-breasted women, and hunted and fished and raced
cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank
whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard *****ing and never paid
child support or alimony, and dated cheerleaders and kept his house and
guns, and ate spam and potato chips and beans, and blew enormous farts, and
never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his friends and family
thought he was cool as heck, and he had tons of money in the bank, and left
the toilet seat up.

The End.
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post #2348 of 2557 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 08:38 AM
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Honorable MEN

Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)
If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"


The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes.."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care
of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it!

Harry



Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend. - Plautus






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post #2349 of 2557 (permalink) Old 01-25-2017, 06:53 PM
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Quote:
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That is so true, Harry....

James
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I don't mind if other members disagree with my comments.
I don't profess to know everything, and I may learn something new.

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."




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post #2350 of 2557 (permalink) Old 01-27-2017, 08:09 AM
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HISTORICAL FACT
Who says building a border wall won't work?
The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago
and they still don't have any Mexicans.

Harry



Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend. - Plautus






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