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post #2741 of 3533 (permalink) Old 01-23-2018, 09:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stick486 View Post
...
He wanted a 4 x 4, ended up with a 2 x 4......

Doug
1 John 1:9
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post #2742 of 3533 (permalink) Old 01-28-2018, 10:39 PM
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Three women and three men are travelling by train to the football game.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the
three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train.

The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram
into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please". The door
opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so,
after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip
and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return
trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy
any ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a
toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her
toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
She knocks on their door and says, "Ticket please."



I'm still trying to figure out why men think they are smarter than
women.
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post #2743 of 3533 (permalink) Old 01-30-2018, 10:18 PM
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Guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can't look that old”?


My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 50+ years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride."

When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, “In 1967. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-***** asked me, "What did you teach?"
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Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend. - Plautus






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post #2744 of 3533 (permalink) Old 01-31-2018, 01:07 PM
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This is too close to the truth



Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?

No sir - it's Google Pizza.

I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

No sir - Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.

OK. I would like to order a pizza.

Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual - you know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses - sausage - pepperoni - mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

OK - that's what I want.

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta - arugula - sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust?

What? I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How the hell do you know?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.

I bought more from another drugstore.

That doesn't show on your credit card statement.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.

That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

WHAT THE HELL?? !!!

I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google - Facebook - Twitter - WhatsApp and all the others!! I'm going to an island without internet - cable TV - where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me!!

I understand sir - but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago!!
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post #2745 of 3533 (permalink) Old 01-31-2018, 02:12 PM
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@mimac : in the near future I fear this could potentially happen.

"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits". Albert Einstein
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post #2746 of 3533 (permalink) Old 01-31-2018, 10:51 PM
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TESCOS' HORSE

In the UK, some supermarkets have admitted that there is horse meat in
their home cooked burgers.

> Even places like Burger King have had to admit that there are
> “small amounts” of horse meat in their burgers.
>
> Tesco is a big supermarket chain in the UK
>
> Within hours of the news that Tesco's 'all beef hamburgers' contained
> 30% horse meat, these quips hit the Internet
> …
> “I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse.... I guess Tesco just listened!
>
> Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?
>
> Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
>
> Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had £5 each way!
>
> Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night ...
> I still have a bit between my teeth.
>
> A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco.
> Her condition is said to be stable.
>
> Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn
>
> "I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer ... AND THEY'RE OFF!"
>
> Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers
> confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
>
> Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots....
>
> "To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian".....
>
> A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, "Why the long face?"
> Cow says "Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!"
>
> I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.
>
> These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit....Talk about flogging a dead horse.
>
> At first I thought, “Oh great, I’ve been saddled with another email to
> forward, but something spurred me on.”
>
> Last night the wife made meatloaf, so I had dinner with two nags.
>
> Since they’re selling the meat wrapped in plastic, is that technically
> a “Trojan Horse?”
>
> Instead of choosing “rare, medium or well done, it’s now Win, Place or Show”
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post #2747 of 3533 (permalink) Old 02-01-2018, 12:03 AM
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SNOW DAY



What a morning……



8:00 I made a snowman.



8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.



8:15 So, I made a snow woman.



8:17 The nanny of the neighbours complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.



8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.



8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.



8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.



8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.



8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.



8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up your ass"



8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.



9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.



9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.



9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.



Moral: When it's this cold, stay inside.
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post #2748 of 3533 (permalink) Old 02-02-2018, 09:16 AM
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These eleven short stories are all very good stories and make us think twice about the daily happenings in our lives as we deal with others!!
1. Today, I interviewed my grandmother for part of a research paper I'm working on for my Psychology class. When I asked her to define success in her own words, she said;
"Success is when you look back at your life and the memories make you smile."

2. Today, after my 72 hour shift at the fire station, a woman ran up to me at the grocery store and gave me a hug. When I tensed up, she realized I didn't recognize her. She let go with tears of joy in her eyes and the most sincere smile and said;
"On 9-11-2001, you carried me out of the World Trade Center ."

3. Today, after I watched my dog get run over by a car, I sat on the side of the road holding him and crying. And just before he died;
he licked the tears off my face.

4. Today at 7AM, I woke up feeling ill, but decided I needed the money, so I went into work. At 3PM I got laid off. On my drive home I got a flat tire. When I went into the trunk for the spare, it was flat too.
A man in a BMW pulled over, gave me a ride, we chatted, and then he offered me a job. I start tomorrow.

5. Today, as my father, three brothers, and two sisters stood around my mother's hospital bed, my mother uttered her last coherent words before she died.
She simply said, "I feel so loved right now. We should have gotten together like this more often."

6. Today, I kissed my dad on the forehead as he passed away in a small hospital bed. About 5 seconds after he passed,
I realized it was the first time I had given him a kiss since I was a little boy.

7. Today, in the cutest voice, my 8-year-old daughter asked me to start recycling. I chuckled and asked, "Why?" She replied, "So you can help me save the planet." I chuckled again and asked, "And why do you want to save the planet?"
Because that's where I keep all my stuff," she said.

8. Today, when I witnessed a 27-year-old breast cancer patient laughing hysterically at her 2-year-old daughter's antics, I suddenly realized that,
I need to stop complaining about my life and start celebrating it again.

9. Today, a boy in a wheelchair saw me desperately struggling on crutches with my broken leg and offered to carry my backpack and books for me. He helped me all the way across campus to my class and as he was leaving he said,
"I hope you feel better soon."

10. Today, I was feeling down because the results of a biopsy came back malignant. When I got home, I opened an e-mail that said, "Thinking of you today. If you need me, I'm a phone call away."
It was from a high school friend I hadn't seen in 10 years.

11. Today, I was traveling in Kenya and I met a refugee from Zimbabwe .. He said he hadn't eaten anything in over 3 days and looked extremely skinny and unhealthy. Then my friend offered him the rest of the sandwich he was eating.
The first thing the man said was, "We can share it."

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

I am glad I have 'you' to send these to.

These are worth passing on...hope you enjoy them as much as I did!













--
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post #2749 of 3533 (permalink) Old 02-02-2018, 04:01 PM
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Harry,

This one hit awfully close to home

Quote:
Originally Posted by harrysin View Post

3. Today, after I watched my dog get run over by a car, I sat on the side of the road holding him and crying. And just before he died;
he licked the tears off my face.
Last spring one of our hounds developed bone cancer. Having been through this before we knew what to expect, and how fast this disease can destroy. When the time came to do the right thing, the Doctor and my wife were in the room on the floor with Crook as they gave her the injections. Crook picked up her head and kissed the Doctor on the face and then put it back down in my wife's lap. The Doctor told me later that she hadn't cried like that in a long time...

Somehow, they always know.
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post #2750 of 3533 (permalink) Old 02-02-2018, 04:48 PM
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Thanks, Harry. Eleven good lessons that will be read but then quickly forgotten by most who could benefit from them.
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"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits". Albert Einstein
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