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post #3251 of 3296 (permalink) Old 05-16-2019, 04:25 PM
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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their
lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our
lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when
you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball
there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my
best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for
you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding
flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little
bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better
yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than
that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it
never rains or snows.. And best of all, we can play softball all we want,
and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.
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post #3252 of 3296 (permalink) Old 05-16-2019, 09:04 PM
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[QUOTE=mimac;2019019]Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their
lives.


Good one Brian I needed that.
Herb
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post #3253 of 3296 (permalink) Old 05-17-2019, 07:29 AM
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Gene Howe
Snowflake, AZ

'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' G. K. Chesterton

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post #3254 of 3296 (permalink) Old 05-18-2019, 03:26 AM
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A secretary got an expensive brand-named pen as a gift from her boss as a Christmas present.

She sent him a 'Thank you note' by e-mail.

The boss's wife read the e-mail and filed for divorce.
The e-mail said: "Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has an extraordinary
smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. Thanks a lot."

Moral: A "space" is an essential part of English grammar
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Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend. - Plautus






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post #3255 of 3296 (permalink) Old 05-18-2019, 07:53 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by harrysin View Post
A secretary got an expensive brand-named pen as a gift from her boss as a Christmas present.

She sent him a 'Thank you note' by e-mail.

The boss's wife read the e-mail and filed for divorce.
The e-mail said: "Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has an extraordinary
smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. Thanks a lot."

Moral: A "space" is an essential part of English grammar
Had a good laugh from that one Harry! It's along the lines of the "Capitals" one.
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post #3256 of 3296 (permalink) Old 05-18-2019, 07:07 PM
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An oldie but a goodie.....

A Texas farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, ...please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer behind the tractor and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my John Deer Tractor right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now tell me, what the heck would you say?"
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1 John 1:9
Fredericksburg, VA




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post #3257 of 3296 (permalink) Old 05-19-2019, 01:47 AM
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Famous Captain

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world.

Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains’ quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

Port Left

Starboard Right
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post #3258 of 3296 (permalink) Old 05-19-2019, 01:53 AM
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One Wish A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're gonna have to pee in the boat."
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post #3259 of 3296 (permalink) Old 05-19-2019, 08:34 AM
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Gene Howe
Snowflake, AZ

'The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.' G. K. Chesterton

Please edit your profile with a name and location so we can better assist you and make for a friendlier forum.
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post #3260 of 3296 (permalink) Old 05-19-2019, 11:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gene howe View Post
rottflmao
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