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post #3261 of 3405 (permalink) Old 05-19-2019, 12:16 PM
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Yeh, but you should have seen it before the warming!
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post #3262 of 3405 (permalink) Old 05-19-2019, 05:29 PM
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The bank president was on his way to his office when he spotted a strange man counting out money very rapidly and accurately. He walked up to him, introduced himself, and told the man how he admired his skills, and ask where he learned them.

The man replied, Yale.

The president then asked the man his name, and he replied, Yohnson.
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"It ain't what you're told, it's what you know." - Granny Weatherwax
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Call me a craftsman, artisan, or artistic, and I will accept that. Call me an artist and you will likely get a quite rude comment in return. I am not a @#$%ing artist.
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post #3263 of 3405 (permalink) Old 05-19-2019, 11:04 PM
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Good one Theo.

You can't drive a bridge spike with a tack hammer(so I'm told)
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post #3264 of 3405 (permalink) Old 05-20-2019, 06:34 PM
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post #3265 of 3405 (permalink) Old 05-23-2019, 09:11 PM
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Did I read that sign right?
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW."
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------------
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------------
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------
Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------------
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial!
----------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************** ****************************** ********************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ****
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** *****
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
****************************** ******************************
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Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Albert Einstein
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post #3266 of 3405 (permalink) Old 05-23-2019, 09:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pal View Post
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
In the Sunday classifieds. Boat and trailer for sale. Wench included.
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"It ain't what you're told, it's what you know." - Granny Weatherwax
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Call me a craftsman, artisan, or artistic, and I will accept that. Call me an artist and you will likely get a quite rude comment in return. I am not a @#$%ing artist.
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post #3267 of 3405 (permalink) Old 05-24-2019, 10:14 PM
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One jobs ad I saw about 25-30 years ago in a newspaper:
"Wanted: Satellite technician. Must provide own tools and transportation."

(My first thought was "Sure. Everyone has a personal Saturn V rocket in the back yard. Right?")
================

Also seen in the same newspaper at least once a year: "Needed: five people willing to work, to replace five who were not. Call 843-nnn-nnnn"

(I don't think I would want to work for that company ...)
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post #3268 of 3405 (permalink) Old 05-26-2019, 09:48 AM
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> The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,
> stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
> accelerating through the intersection.
>
>
>
> The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
> frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection,
> dropping her cell phone and makeup.
>
>
>
> As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked
> up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her
> to exit her car with her hands up..
>
>
>
> He took her to the police station where she was searched,
> fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
>
>
>
> After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened
> the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting
> officer was waiting with her personal effects.
>
>
>
> He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind
> your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of
> you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do'
> bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to
> Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
> on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car."
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post #3269 of 3405 (permalink) Old 05-29-2019, 01:06 PM
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A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of an LS460
when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take
a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc,
want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was
working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,

"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out,
repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and
when I finished it worked just like new.

So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I
are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with the engine running."
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post #3270 of 3405 (permalink) Old 05-29-2019, 03:16 PM
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@Oakwerks


Kurt,

That reminded me of one of my favorite jokes

A proctologist named Bill decides he is tired of practicing medicine and quits his job to pursue his dream of being a car mechanic. He enrolls in a trade school and after some time the final exam is given. The test solely consists of disassembling and reassembling a car engine.

The teacher tells the students, "You have as long as you need to complete the exam, so take your time and work at your own pace." Twenty-eight hours after the exam began, Bill completes the reassembly of the engine and returns home.

The next day the teacher calls Bill up to give him the results of his test. Bill is absolutely floored to find that he received a 150 on the exam.

"How could I get a 150 on the exam if the test only had 100 points?!" Bill asked.

"Well, I gave you 50 points for a flawless disassembly of the engine," replied the teacher. "And another 50 points for reassmbling the engine perfectly."

"I'm extremely pleased with the results!" Bill exclaimed. "But where did the last 50 points come from?"

The teacher paused for a moment and responded, "Well, I gave you the extra 50 points for doing the whole exam through the tailpipe."
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Doug
1 John 1:9
Fredericksburg, VA




http://disasterreliefeffort.org/
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