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post #3291 of 3405 (permalink) Old 06-12-2019, 08:36 PM
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And if you plead they may send you to a facility with a wood shop!
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post #3292 of 3405 (permalink) Old 06-12-2019, 10:18 PM
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This jokes section may not be the right place for this one.
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post #3293 of 3405 (permalink) Old 06-12-2019, 11:30 PM
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THANKS TO FRANK FOR THIS ONE

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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post #3294 of 3405 (permalink) Old 06-12-2019, 11:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kp91 View Post
And now back to terrible humor.....


One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world at a depth of about 20 feet. He turned and noticed a guy at the same depth but this guy had on no SCUBA gear!

The diver went below another 20 feet... and the other guy joined him. The diver went below 25 feet more, and once again, the guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out his water-proof board and marker, and wrote, "How are you able to stay under this deep without any equipment?"

The other guy grabbed the board, quickly erased what the diver had written, and wrote,

"I'M DROWNING, YOU IDIOT!"
For some reason I lol’d hard on this one. Going to use it tomorrow and see how it goes
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This machines broken
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post #3295 of 3405 (permalink) Old 06-13-2019, 05:02 PM
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Cowboy Honeymoon

A cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said, "This here is a very special 'casion...our wedding night, and we need a good room with a strong bed."

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"

The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, "No, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it."
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post #3296 of 3405 (permalink) Old 06-14-2019, 09:05 AM
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Default Very funny

the technical minded will think so!
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post #3297 of 3405 (permalink) Old 06-25-2019, 03:23 PM
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English, anyone.......?

Why do the British like using excess letters (for example, ‘colour’ instead of ‘color’, ‘cheque’ instead of ‘check’, ‘analogue’ instead of ‘analog’, etc.)?

By Gregory Till

02 July 2018

It’s a big secret. People outside the UK aren’t generally informed of this, but in the interests of education, truth and beauty, here we go.

The English language is not, technically, a language. It is difficult to define what it is, but the best description is that it is the absolute pinnacle of psychological warfare. I know that sounds crazy, but bear with me.

You see, England kept being invaded and the English couldn’t do a damned thing about it. First the Romans, then the Angles and the Saxons and the Jutes, then the Vikings. Terrible business! The last straw was the Normans; although they were Vikings who lived in France. That was just too close for comfort, I mean, being invaded by the French… Unthinkable!

But how could the British people fight back? That’s when they had a wonderful idea. They decided to make a language so confusing, so utterly, incomprehensibly, unimaginably, painfully stupid that it would melt the brain of literally everyone in the world who was a native speaker of a sensible language. And so, they got cracking.

That is why knight is spelt with a K. Do you pronounce the K? No - don’t be silly! Why is gnome spelt with a G? Precisely because it shouldn’t be spelt with a G. That’s the beauty of it, don’t you see?

But try not to be too much of a wreck; not just yet anyway. Silent letters were just the start of it and I’m not even counting the magic E we stuck on half the words, just to confuse things. We haven’t got the tim to get into that - sorry, haven’t got the time.

Why do we spell “doughnut” the way we do, only to not actually pronounce 3/8ths. of the letters? Well, just to see foreigners go cross-eyed, basically.

The plural of tooth is teeth, and the plural of foot is feet, and the plural of goose is geese. So why is “sheep” singular? Why not “one shoop, two sheep”? And what’s the plural of moose? Also moose. Are you weeping yet? Well, we’re not done.

Why are “wind” and “wind” spelt the same, when they sound different? And why does “wind” rhyme with “binned”? Why do the letters “ough” sound the same in “enough” and “tough”, but different in “though”, and “thought”, and “bough”?

We even carried this over to our place names. Why is “London” spelt that way when we actually say “Lun-dun”? Makes it harder for invaders to find, you see.

Here’s an experiment. Try to pronounce the following - don’t worry, I put the pronunciations in the next paragraph to help you. But try them out yourself first.

Here we go:

Worcestershire, Leicester, Middlesborough, Hunstanton, Magdalen College, Leominster, Godmanchester, and Loughborough.

Now here’s how you should say them:

Woos-tuh-shur, Lest-uh, Mid-ulls-bru, Hun-ston, Mord-lin College, Lem-ster, Gum-ster, and Luff-bru.

So, how did you do? Most non-British people I’ve met - unless they’re Anglophiles - do quite badly. I mean, try going up to someone on a railway platform and asking to go to “Lowg-buh-ruh”. People will look at you like you had broken into their house on Christmas morning and defecated on the parlour rug. But don’t be ashamed - that’s sort of the point.

In World War Two, when we thought the Germans might invade, we took down all the road signs. The Germans found out, knew they’d have to rely on asking people for directions and abandoned their plans to invade that same day. Having to actually talk to English people… Nein danke!

Even the ‘helpful rules’ we came up with to explain English don’t actually work. “I before E, except after C”, they say. Is that actually correct? Not really, see “receipt”, or “neighbour”, or “sleigh”. Actually, more words ignore that rule than follow it. So, why have the rule? To screw with people’s minds, of course.

The thing is, the whole experiment worked. Within a few centuries, the French either gave up and went home, or they succumbed to such levels of unrelenting insanity that they were incapable of being anything other than Civil Servants. No-one has dared invade the country since for fear we’d try to speak to them.

And all of that is before I get on to mentioning the fact that we have several hundred local dialects and accents in the country too. Britons can identify each other's point of ethnic origin within two doors from their place of birth by their accent. Social stereotyping based on how one speaks English is the norm. It's probably overkill, but as the basis for endemic discrimination and racial bias it seemed like a good idea originally.

And don’t get me started on the Welsh language. That is the nuclear deterrent of incomprehensible spelling, I’m telling you. The Scots are not much better with “Kircudbright” and “Ecclefechan”.

The point is, not only did we get people to stop invading Britain but the British were able to build an entire vast Empire on the back of this pig’s breakfast of a language.

Most of the time, they would just send a long, rambling letter to the political elites of any particular country delivered in warships, gunboats and columns of heavily armed troops. A few days later, they would stagger out of their offices/ palaces/ long houses or mud huts, dazed and confused holding their complimentary copy of the Christian Bible, only half understanding that the letter was a courtesy, politely informing them that Britain would be running the country from now on – taxation and tariffs to follow. By the time their ears stopped ringing, the British had already built a dozen railways and it would be pretty damned rude to kick a chap out of a country once he had built you a railway, don’t you think?

Whole thing worked for centuries. They would ask us to leave, we would agree to be out by February and by the time the locals had worked out how to spell it, another fifty years had gone by – the revenue taxi-meter ticking all the while.

America rather screwed the pooch by trying to get the language to make sense, you see. They started simplifying the language, and as such, they have had dreadful trouble keeping people in line. People can actually deal with American simplified spellings and such, and so they aren’t trying to drag themselves out of a fog of confusion during every diplomatic meeting. And even then, they’re only dealing with the random extra letters. Imagine if you were a non-English speaker entering the Anglophone world cold and had to learn the entire salmagundi of English spelling from scratch?

Like I said in the beginning, it’s not simply a language, it is Psychological Warfare. I’m surprised that Britain hasn’t been indicted in the International Court of Justice in The Hague yet.
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post #3298 of 3405 (permalink) Old 06-26-2019, 07:59 AM
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Lmao
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post #3299 of 3405 (permalink) Old 06-26-2019, 09:18 AM
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@swarfmaker , have you seen Eddie Izzard’s YouTube takes on Latin as a language, and “the cunning use of flags” as a way of expanding empire? Highly recommended.
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post #3300 of 3405 (permalink) Old 06-26-2019, 11:38 AM
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How about the silent "R" .... ansa instead of answer .... etc ...
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