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post #3321 of 3405 (permalink) Old 07-11-2019, 09:05 PM
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Subject: Cowboys are tough!!!



A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. Then I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll beat you all unconscious."

Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"



"That was a couple of minutes ago."
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post #3322 of 3405 (permalink) Old 07-14-2019, 08:18 PM
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A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb and preposition.


UP


Read until the end ..... you'll laugh.


This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].


It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.


At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.



To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.



And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!


To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.


If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.



When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!



Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?


U

P !
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post #3323 of 3405 (permalink) Old 07-14-2019, 10:45 PM
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Do toss up and throw up count? Or tear down and tear up? Or up yours?
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"It ain't what you're told, it's what you know." - Granny Weatherwax
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Call me a craftsman, artisan, or artistic, and I will accept that. Call me an artist and you will likely get a quite rude comment in return. I am not a @#$%ing artist.
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post #3324 of 3405 (permalink) Old 07-14-2019, 11:13 PM
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How about up-chuck and upset and set up?
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post #3325 of 3405 (permalink) Old 07-15-2019, 01:04 AM
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Uprising, upstaged, upended, fed up, Upsala ...OK that last one wasn't in English
UPS, uptick, upholstered
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post #3326 of 3405 (permalink) Old 07-19-2019, 02:50 AM
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Is this really true?
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post #3327 of 3405 (permalink) Old 07-19-2019, 11:05 AM
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Not always the husband who cheats. My now ex-wife left me last year after having an affair for several months.
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post #3328 of 3405 (permalink) Old 07-19-2019, 01:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MikeMa View Post
Not always the husband who cheats. My now ex-wife left me last year after having an affair for several months.
I think my first ex left because I couldn't read her mind. I kicked the 2d ex out for being utterly stupid - thought she was going to completely change me, and then run my life. Doesn't get much stupider than that.
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"It ain't what you're told, it's what you know." - Granny Weatherwax
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Call me a craftsman, artisan, or artistic, and I will accept that. Call me an artist and you will likely get a quite rude comment in return. I am not a @#$%ing artist.
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post #3329 of 3405 (permalink) Old 07-19-2019, 10:16 PM
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A man and a woman who had never met
before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.



Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.



At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'



'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.







'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.



'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own blanket!'



After a moment of silence, he farted.





The End.
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post #3330 of 3405 (permalink) Old 07-20-2019, 07:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Herb Stoops View Post
A man and a woman who had never met
before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied, 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'.

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.



'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own blanket!'



After a moment of silence, he farted.


The End.

So funny.....
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I don't profess to know everything, and I may learn something new.

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."




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