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post #3411 of 3533 (permalink) Old 09-22-2019, 10:27 AM
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".



In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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post #3412 of 3533 (permalink) Old 09-28-2019, 04:51 PM
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After being married for Fifty plus years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks .. "What the hell does that mean?"

He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
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post #3413 of 3533 (permalink) Old 09-29-2019, 01:45 AM
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Yesterday Mark had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.
Of course was a bit on edge because all his friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
mark gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at Mark, a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, he recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, ”NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!
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post #3414 of 3533 (permalink) Old 09-29-2019, 10:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by semipro View Post
yesterday mark had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam............
.......
But as usual, he recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, ”no, i've come to inquire about a sex change operation, but i don't want the same doctor that did yours.”
the room erupted in applause!
Don't mess with old retired guys!

rotfl....

James
Sydney, Australia
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I don't mind if other members disagree with my comments.
I don't profess to know everything, and I may learn something new.

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."




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post #3415 of 3533 (permalink) Old 10-03-2019, 11:33 AM
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Default More on blond guys ...

A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"

He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

--------------------------

A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

----------------------------

A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

---------------------------

A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.

"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.

"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

-------------------------

An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

---------------------------

A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

-----------------------------

Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

-------------------------------

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."



To which the blonde man replied, "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even home yesterday!
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post #3416 of 3533 (permalink) Old 10-05-2019, 06:29 PM
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Subject: Carbon Tax Rebate



Sometime this year, we taxpayers will receive a carbon tax rebate.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is a carbon tax rebate?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to some taxpayers.


Q. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the economy by spending your compensation cheque wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan, or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, Indonesia and Guatemala.

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Canada by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to hockey games, or

3) Spending it on a hooker, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating in Canada . )

Conclusion:

Go to a hockey game with a tattooed hooker you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me. I'm just glad I could help.
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post #3417 of 3533 (permalink) Old 10-22-2019, 06:41 PM
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How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the pan?

Take away its tiny brooms.
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post #3418 of 3533 (permalink) Old 10-26-2019, 09:17 PM
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> A 7 year old lad asked Mom.......
"How was I born Mommy?"
Mom smiled and said......
"Once upon a time me and your Daddy had a wonderful time and we
planted a little seed.
Daddy put it in the earth and I took very good care of it every single day.

After a while, the seed started to grow beautifully and it turned into a healthy leafy plant so......

we dried it, smoked it, got high
and forgot to use a condom."
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post #3419 of 3533 (permalink) Old 10-27-2019, 03:43 PM
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An Itallian Mama

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:



Dear Mama,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.


Your Loving Son,

Anthony



A few days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving Mama
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post #3420 of 3533 (permalink) Old 11-01-2019, 05:05 PM
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An Olde but goode:



A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountain pasture in Alberta when suddenly a brand-new Mercedes came toward him out of a cloud of dust.



The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"



Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"



The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.



The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.



Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.



Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."



"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.



He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.



Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"



The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"



"You're a Liberal Member of Parliament for the Canadian Government", says Bud.



"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"



"No guessing required." answered the cowboy."



"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.



Now give me back my dog.
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