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post #3431 of 3503 (permalink) Old 11-05-2019, 11:51 PM
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3. Three Ladies Go Racing

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde had all entered a singlehanded race but failed to make it to the starting line.

The brunette lost her mast overboard during a grueling qualifying passage and couldn't get it repaired in time.

The redhead decided the flexing of the hull around the keelbolts she discovered at the last moment might lead to structural failure when she was far at sea and beyond the range of easy rescue.

The blonde couldn't find crew.
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post #3432 of 3503 (permalink) Old 11-12-2019, 11:09 PM
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Amusing Medical situations..

1. A man comes into the ER and yells. . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her
underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs . . . and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco


2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle, WASHINGTON

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died
of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you
been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . . ' Why, not for about twenty years -
when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis, OREGON

5. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered.....
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for
immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read
'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY . . . . THE FUNNIEST

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come
in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight and,
being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied...

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples,
pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and
detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight.
You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
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Harry



Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend. - Plautus






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post #3433 of 3503 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 12:28 AM
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Made me laugh, Harry.
Herb
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post #3434 of 3503 (permalink) Old 11-14-2019, 10:34 AM
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Bloody hell.. Our stocks have crashed, we get 2% on any fixed deposits, our Superannuation is stuffed.


Woe, woe, this recession is hitting everybody really hard.


Things couldn’t be much worse judging by this:



Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford
batteries.

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of
pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call
them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Toorak fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they
re-possessed her!

A truckload of Germans was caught sneaking into Syria

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali
pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs,
my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the
Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told
them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a
truck.
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Harry



Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend. - Plautus






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post #3435 of 3503 (permalink) Old 11-14-2019, 07:38 PM
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A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle

of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked: "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"



The priest replies: "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,

too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."



The drunk muttered in response: "Well, I'll be damned”,

Then returned to his paper.



The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"



The drunk answered: "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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post #3436 of 3503 (permalink) Old 11-14-2019, 09:07 PM
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Quote:
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs,
my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the
Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told
them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a
truck.

ROTFL...

PS Harry, change Toorak to Bel Aire.....LOL
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James
Sydney, Australia
.

I don't mind if other members disagree with my comments.
I don't profess to know everything, and I may learn something new.

"Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity."




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post #3437 of 3503 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 11:05 PM
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Young man was getting married, and was worrying what to call his future mother-in-law. So he went to his older brother for advice. The older brother told him it was not a problem. The first year I just called my mother-in-law hey you, and after that called her grandma.
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"It ain't what you're told, it's what you know." - Granny Weatherwax
Fawkahwe tribal police SWAT Team
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
.....Call me a craftsman, artisan, or artistic, and I will accept that. Call me an artist and you will likely get a quite rude comment in return. I am not a @#$%ing artist.
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post #3438 of 3503 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 11:18 PM
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Lot of truth in that Theo.
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post #3439 of 3503 (permalink) Old 11-22-2019, 01:00 PM
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Phones
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post #3440 of 3503 (permalink) Old 11-25-2019, 09:47 PM
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This old stingy lawyer went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a terminal decease ,the doctor gave a few days to live.
He went home and told his wife he was at the end of the trail and he had one wish for her to perform.
Go to the bank and take two pillow cases and fill them with money from the safety deposit boxes, the old ambulance chaser requested of her.
Then bring them home and put them in the attic above my bed.
His wife asked him why,and he said that when he died as he passed up to heaven he would grab them on the way by.
So his wife went to the bank and filled two pillow cases with cash,and brought them home and climbed to the attic and placed them right above his bed.
He passed on and she had completely forgot about the money,until one day she was putting some boxes in the attic and noticed the two pillow cases with the money in them.
She opened them up and all the money was still there.
She thought a moment and then it dawned on her, "I should have put them in the basement.

Herb
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