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  Topic Review (Newest First)
09-12-2019 11:59 PM
jj777746 Best joke of the day award goes to Brian (again) James.
09-12-2019 07:20 PM
mimac An Adult Fairy Tale..............

Once by upon a time there lived a King

who had the most beautiful daughter.

But there was a problem.

Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what:
Metal, Wood, stone
Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her.

Nobody would dare marry her.
The King despaired.

What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians.


One wizard told the King,
'If your daughter touches one thing

that does not melt in her hands,

she will be cured.'
The King was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a competition.

Any man that could bring his daughter an

object that would not melt would marry

her and inherit the King's wealth.


THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the Princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest
substance in the world and would not melt.

But alas, once the Princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the Princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'
The Princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something very hard.

She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt !!!

The King was overjoyed.

Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.
And the Prince married the Princess
and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the Prince's pants????

M&M's of course!

They melt in your mouth,
not in your hand.

What on earth were you thinking?
09-12-2019 01:40 PM
mimac Mobile Phone Etiquette

She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"



Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."



Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer......
09-11-2019 04:18 PM
Gene Howe The Sheer Nightgown....

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing.

I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.

Closed coffin.
09-10-2019 11:59 AM
DaninVan Tee time with the padre?
09-10-2019 11:09 AM
mimac A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$250'

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have sand wedge.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - '$750'
Man - 'Sold..'

A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '$1,000.'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that s**t with me again. You're in my closet now!'
09-10-2019 11:06 AM
mimac This is what happens as we get older.



The barter system.



Yesterday morning I bought two cases of beer on sale at the Beer Store.



I placed them on the front seat and headed back home.



I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.



Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open.



She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.



With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice: "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"….



I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
09-09-2019 05:18 PM
DaninVan ...
09-09-2019 04:41 AM
Hutzul
Do What !

If any ever sees me jogging, PLEASE kill whatever is chasing me !
09-04-2019 01:40 AM
harrysin A man went into a supermarket and tried to buy half a cauliflower. The very young greens-produce assistant told him that they sold only whole cauliflowers. The man persisted, and asked to see the manager, and the boy went to find him.
Walking into the stock room, the boy said to his manager, "Some wanker out there wants to buy half a cauliflower." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the customer standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people here who think on their feet. Where are you from, son?"
"Cardiff, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave Cardiff ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing there but prostitutes and rugby players."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Cardiff."
"You're kidding?" replied the boy. "What position did she play?"
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