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  Topic Review (Newest First)
Today 02:32 PM
JFPNCM Indeed a great photo. Trust the storm remained distant.
Today 01:09 PM
Herb Stoops
Quote:
Originally Posted by kp91 View Post
It always amazes me at how well the internet knows me..... and apparently my friends.
I like the picture,Doug
HErb
Today 11:12 AM
kp91 It always amazes me at how well the internet knows me..... and apparently my friends.
Yesterday 05:02 PM
pal A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.
"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,
"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, .. a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah. But today is the last day!"
02-20-2020 11:30 PM
dman2 BAD PARROT
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up,
very softly,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
02-20-2020 10:38 PM
mimac
Quote:
Originally Posted by DaninVan View Post
Heh... reminds me of the guy, back in the '60s, who tried to build his own house over on Fraser St. (Vancouver, BC) as i recall. He was nailing his 2x4s face to face for solid 3 1/2" thick walls! Wouldn't listen to anybody, even the Bldg. Inspector. I'm guessing he ran out of money in short order.
Actually Dan there are a few buildings in the old part of Victoria, especially along Wharf St which have solid 2x4 walls. Most of them date from the 1860's and I think that they were built as fire walls between adjoining buildings.
02-20-2020 02:54 PM
DaninVan
Bullet proof

Quote:
Originally Posted by lee904 View Post
Man walks into his local lumber yard, and steps up to the counter. May I help you, says the salesman ? Man says, I need some 4 x 2's. Salesman replies, are you sure you don't need some 2 x 4"s? Nope replies the man I need some 4x2's. Slightly frustrated the salesman decides to go along with the man. How long do you want them, he asks? Oh, quite awile, you see I'm going to build a garage with them.
Heh... reminds me of the guy, back in the '60s, who tried to build his own house over on Fraser St. (Vancouver, BC) as i recall. He was nailing his 2x4s face to face for solid 3 1/2" thick walls! Wouldn't listen to anybody, even the Bldg. Inspector. I'm guessing he ran out of money in short order.
02-20-2020 02:40 AM
lee904 Man walks into his local lumber yard, and steps up to the counter. May I help you, says the salesman ? Man says, I need some 4 x 2's. Salesman replies, are you sure you don't need some 2 x 4"s? Nope replies the man I need some 4x2's. Slightly frustrated the salesman decides to go along with the man. How long do you want them, he asks? Oh, quite awile, you see I'm going to build a garage with them.
02-19-2020 10:56 AM
mimac If you didn't see this on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake!



Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte !! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.



Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.



Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.



Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.



Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.



As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'



Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
02-19-2020 05:53 AM
jw2170 >>An elderly couple pull up to a gas station;
>>Attendant: How may I help you?
>>Old Man: Please fill it up.
>>Old Lady: What did he say?
>>Old Man (Yelling): He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill
>> it up.
>>Attendant: So, where are you heading?
>>Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
>>Old Lady: What did he say?
>>Old Man (Yelling): He asked where we're going. I told him we're
>> going to see the Grandkids.
>>Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
>>Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
>>Old Lady: What did he say?
>>Old Man: He said its good weather.
>>Attendant: Where are you coming from?
>>Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
>>Old Lady: What did he say?
>>Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.
>>Attendant: I dated a girl from pittsburgh once. She wouldn't
>> shut up and was lousy in bed.
>>Old lady: What did he say?
>>Old Man: He says he knows you.
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