|Topic Review (Newest First)|
|10-05-2019 05:29 PM|
Subject: Carbon Tax Rebate |
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will receive a carbon tax rebate.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a carbon tax rebate?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to some taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the economy by spending your compensation cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan, or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, Indonesia and Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in Canada by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to hockey games, or
3) Spending it on a hooker, or
4) Beer or
(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating in Canada . )
Go to a hockey game with a tattooed hooker you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!
No need to thank me. I'm just glad I could help.
|10-03-2019 10:33 AM|
More on blond guys ...
A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
A blonde man is in jail, the guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
A friend told the blonde man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blonde man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Two blonde men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you and your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde man replied, "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even home yesterday!
|09-29-2019 09:21 PM|
Originally Posted by semipro View Post
|09-29-2019 12:45 AM|
Yesterday Mark had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. |
Of course was a bit on edge because all his friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk, noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
mark gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at Mark, a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, he recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, ”NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS!
|09-28-2019 03:51 PM|
After being married for Fifty plus years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. |
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks .. "What the hell does that mean?"
He said,"Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
|09-22-2019 09:27 AM|
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. |
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
|09-22-2019 12:40 AM|
|mimac||This could be a " little Johnny" story|
|09-21-2019 08:59 PM|
|RainMan 2.0|| |
Originally Posted by Oakwerks View Post
|09-20-2019 10:42 PM|
|09-20-2019 07:12 PM|
An oldie but still a good laugh |
The Pilot and the Princess:
Once upon a time, a pilot asked a beautiful princess: "Will you marry me? The princess said, "No!!!” And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank German beer and Jack Daniels and never heard *****ing and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
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