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  Topic Review (Newest First)
02-17-2020 05:28 AM
swarfmaker Question: What is a bastard exactly?


Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like,
“What is a bastard?”


And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms, and inconsistent sophisms that make one more and more sure that the only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousand words.


In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.


The guy behind him, well, he's a bastard.
02-15-2020 08:35 PM
DaninVan "Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed ."

Let me fix that for you, Jon.
Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed, eh.

02-15-2020 06:52 PM
JFPNCM At the risk of alienating the kind chaps to the north, please remember I lived in BC.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.

2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.

3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.

4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.

5. "Weed".


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.

2. Ottawa who?

3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% as it is for the rest of the
country.

4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.

5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own
country.

6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.

2. Your province is really easy to draw.

3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.

4. People will assume you live on a farm.

5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront
property..

2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.

3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.

4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.

5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.

2. Your $800,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.

3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.

4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
Aaaaah..........Give me a minute here to think.............Gosh, this is
hard.....................okay, here are some :

1. Racism is socially acceptable.

2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move
out next.

3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada ...

4. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo A*#!%!"?


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.

2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.

3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick ...

4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle.. The ones who can't, think they can.

2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and
wear a kilt.

3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big
new bridge.

2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.

3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.

4. Everyone has been an extra on "Road to Avonlea."

5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from..

6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.


TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.

2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.

3. The workday is about two hours long.

4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.

Pass this along to Canadians who need a laugh and foreigners who can learn
something about Canada and then enjoy a good chuckle.

Let's face it: Canadians are a rare breed .
02-15-2020 05:26 PM
DaninVan Live mic...
https://twitter.com/PaulSam27131285/...13300884504576
02-09-2020 11:33 PM
makerofdust An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
02-09-2020 10:47 PM
JOAT
Quote:
Originally Posted by DaninVan View Post
If I had been the passenger, later I would have taken my time to find just the right club, then beaten the crap out of that guy.
02-09-2020 09:20 PM
makerofdust There once was a Red Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me 'Onestone' again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that 'Onestone' meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, 'Onestone'.....

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,

Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

Everyone knows..

You can't kill Two Birds

With

One stone........
02-09-2020 08:47 PM
DaninVan Heh...

https://www.liveleak.com/view?t=CIClI_1581269995
02-01-2020 07:26 AM
harrysin THE CAT THAT WENT TO HEAVEN

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said,
'You have been a good cat all these years.
Anything you want is yours for the asking.'
The cat thought for a minute and then said 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'
God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'





Hey, we need a cute clean one and a non political one every once in awhile.
01-28-2020 01:17 AM
harrysin A cop stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in explicit offensive terms.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The
'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when
presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it
stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're
an *******!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record
with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he
hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red
light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a
reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and
mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket
you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH,"
underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for *******?"
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client.
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