|Topic Review (Newest First)|
|Yesterday 05:42 AM|
The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" |
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?" Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Jose, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!" She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!" "Who said that? " she demanded. Jose put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836. At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Jose answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Jose jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble now!" Jose whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003." Finally someone throws an eraser at Jose, someone shouted "Duck"! Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that? Jose: "Dick Cheney, 2006 "
|08-12-2019 03:08 PM|
My parents told me I could name my new pet dog anything I wanted and since I was a mischievous little boy, I decided to name the dog Sex. |
It seemed funny at first until you understand all the confusion that this caused me in my later life.
Like the day that I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a licence for Sex.
He said, “I’d like to have one, too.”
Then, I said, “You don’t understand. She’s a dog.”
He replied, “Look man, I don’t care how she looks.”
“No no, I’ve had Sex since I was 5!”
He replied, “You must have been an early bloomer.”
When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding.
When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life.
After my wife and I got married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex.
She replied, “Sir, every room in the hotel can be used for sex.”
I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.”
The clerk said, “Me too!”
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me too.”
One day my dog Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight.
I told him, “I’m looking for Sex!”
My case comes up next Tuesday.
Now that I’ve been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I’m in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.
I said, “Sex has left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely.”
He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Why don’t you go get yourself a dog...”
|08-08-2019 07:21 PM|
An elderly woman had just returned to her home when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. |
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "I thought she said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"
|08-08-2019 12:26 AM|
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. |
When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?"
The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me."
A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?"
The preacher replied again, "No God will save me."
Eventually the preacher drowned and went to heaven.
The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
|08-08-2019 12:19 AM|
Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven. |
God greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force."
The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."
The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"
|08-06-2019 06:22 PM|
The madam opened the brothel door in nevada and saw a rather |
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties.
"may i help you sir?" she asked.
"i would like to see valerie," the man replied.
"sir, valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else." said the madam.
"no, i would like to see valerie," he replied.
Just then, valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to valerie, and they went upstairs...
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, valerie questioned the man, "no one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
the man replied, "iowa."
"really," she said. "i have family in iowa."
"i know." the man said. "your sister died, and i am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
|08-06-2019 05:13 PM|
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how |
horrible the circumstance, he would always reply,
"It could have been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said,
"Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife
in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his angry friend, "Could it have been worse?" …….
"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"
|08-02-2019 07:01 AM|
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. |
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. "
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair. "
"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"
|07-27-2019 01:02 PM|
We all went to visit Grandma. She was so pleased to see us. She's getting old, and her eyesight is waning. |
We wanted to help her enjoy this final stage of her life, have quality time with her, and enjoy our visits to help remember her when she's gone.
|07-24-2019 12:39 PM|
|Herb Stoops||Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.|
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