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Discussion Starter #1

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Something all wood workers should practice

I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start.

While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.

When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation.. His face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss.

Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. "Oh,that's my trouble tree," he replied "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children... So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again." "Funny thing is," he smiled," when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."
 

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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, what is your occupation?"

I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that"

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is..."

:) :) :)
 

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Bloke meets a psychiatrist at a party and asks him how he measures if a person is insane or not.
"Easy."says the trick cyclist. "I fill a bathtub with water and offer them the choice of a teaspoon, a cup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bath."
"I see."says the partygoer. "Of course a sane person would choose the bucket."
"No,"says psych. "A sane person would pull the plug. Now let's see when I can fit you in for a consultation." :D :D
 

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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
Lost my 710 :) LOL LOL

Yesterday I was having some work done at the car dealer.
A blonde woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
They all looked at each other, and the Mechanic asked,

"What is a seven-hundred-ten ?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the
engine.
I lost it and need a new one. It has always been there."

The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her
to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middleof it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had the hood up and asked,

"Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course,
it's right there."


Click on the link below to learn the identity of the mysterious 710:


http://mademelaugh.com/gfx/710.jpg

***************
***************

Bj :)
 

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Golf's Worst Foursome

GOLF'S WORST FOURSOME


1. MONICA LEWINSKY
2. O.J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON


WHY, YOU ASK?
Well, you're going to love this!

1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O.J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER , AND... .
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST
 

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A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all
kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 

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The Redneck and the Game Warden

A Kentucky redneck was stopped by a game warden leaving a river well known for its fishing. He had two ice chests full of live fish in water. The game warden asked, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the redneck.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"
 

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Three Canadian blondes died, and found themselves standing before St.Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.



The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.



The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St.

Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.



The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover.

Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died.

Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... " St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."





Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year they roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

Brian
 

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When light beer first came out everyone wanted to know how it was mace. A farmer decided to find out. He poured some into a jar and sent it to the local ag college asking them to analyze it.

The letter came back, "Your horse has diabeties." :D :D
 

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God is talking to Adam and Eve in the garden. God asks who whats to pee standing up? Of Course being a guy Adam immediately jumps in and says, " I do, I do!" God says granted and Adam runs off to "write his name in the snow." God then turns to Eve and says, "Ok I guess that means that you get the multiple orgasms."
 

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Cat Lover or Not, this is hysterical!


We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

"Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.


The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.....and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew!

Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

Hope your week is better than his!!!!!!!!!!
 

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A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother.

Then she added , "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
 

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A woman, drying off after a shower. Looks at herself in the mirror and says to her husband. "I've always wished my breasts were a little larger". He suggests that every night before bed, rubbing a small piece of toilet paper between them, should do the trick over time. It sounds crazy but she tries it, crawls into bed and asks. "What makes you think thats gonna do any good?"... "It worked on your butt did'nt it?" he replied.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Hi Rusty

That's a good one LOL hahahahahahahaha LOL

One of the 3 things you should NOT say at bed time :)

Here's two more

You are looking more like your mother all the time.
Do you need to put the green crap on your face every night .

They will get you the same thing , Not a dam thing that night.

I'm sure you and others have one or two they could add to the list just to show how the male is the dumb one in the bed room. :)

dumb = lacking intelligence or good judgment; stupid; dull-witted :)

Bj :)
 
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