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A young lady was walking in a park one sunny day, when a man came up behind her and poked her in the rear. She immediately went back to her apartment. She told her roommate what had happened. The roommate told that was called being goosed, and to not worry about it. The next day she was walking in the same part, and two men both goosed her. She immediately went back to her apartment and told her roommate, "Today I was geesed".
 

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English, anyone.......?

Worcestershire, Leicester, Middlesborough, Hunstanton, Magdalen College, Leominster, Godmanchester, and Loughborough.
I sometimes describe myself as multilingual. Born in England (Bedfordshire) so started learning English, At 7 the family emigrated to Canada so I had to start on Canadian. At 11 the family emigrated to the USA so I then had to pick up generalized American. (In school I was also exposed to French and then Spanish). Over the course of life I spent several decades in the deep South of the country, forcing me to learn Southern! Only 70 now, so there's still plenty of time to pick up some more.

As Churchill famously said, "we are two peoples separated by a common language."
 

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The English language is further complicated by the sheer volume. Between 3/4 million and a million, and there's no fixed number because we're constantly adding new words from the vernacular, slang, and new inventions. That doesn't count names, which in the last few decades include unconventional variations on conventional names: Silvia, Krystol, wilyum, etc.

Then there's academic English and grammar, requiring precision spelling and punctuation in addition to use of obscure words with footnotes and citations.

Then, there is journalism which uses only simple, third grade words. Short sentences. 22 word leads. Spelling one digit numbers, but numbers for longer ones.

Makes your head spin.
 

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Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.


At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
 

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I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I guess they didn't tell you, they use a Polaroid camera.
 

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I sometimes describe myself as multilingual. Born in England (Bedfordshire) so started learning English, At 7 the family emigrated to Canada so I had to start on Canadian. At 11 the family emigrated to the USA so I then had to pick up generalized American. (In school I was also exposed to French and then Spanish). Over the course of life I spent several decades in the deep South of the country, forcing me to learn Southern! Only 70 now, so there's still plenty of time to pick up some more.

As Churchill famously said, "we are two peoples separated by a common language."
You have reminded me of being kitted out in Cardington for my two years national service in the RAF.
 
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Hey this is me. Now that is scary.
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end... It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother
About current events.

The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought
About the shootings at schools, the computer age, and
Just things in general.

The Grandmother replied, "Well, let me think a minute,

I was born before:

 television
 penicillin
 polio shots
 frozen foods
 Xerox
 contact lenses
 Frisbees and
 the pill

There were no:

 credit cards
 laser beams or
 ball-point pens

Man had not yet invented:

 pantyhose
 air conditioners
 dishwashers
 clothes dryers
 and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and
 man hadn't yet walked on the moon




Your Grandfather and I got married first, and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir."

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man
With a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centres, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and
Wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was
A bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with
Your cousins.

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the
Evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the
Evenings and weekends — not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks , CD's, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.
We had 5 &10-cent (5 and dime) stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Ford Coupe for $600, but who could
Afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:

 "grass" was mowed,
 "coke" was a cold drink,
 "pot" was something your mother cooked in and
 "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.
 "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,
 "chip" meant a piece of wood,
 "hardware" was found in a hardware store and.
 "software" wasn't even a word.




We were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
We volunteered to protect our precious country.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap.

How old do you think I am?

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready?????

This woman would be only 67 years old .
She would have been born in late 1952.

GIVES YOU SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT.

PASS THIS ON TO THE OTHER “OLD ONES.”
BECAUSE THE YOUNG ONES WOULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
 

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You have reminded me of being kitted out in Cardington for my two years national service in the RAF.
My father and his father both served in the RAF.

My father turned 18 on VJ Day so he missed the hostilities. He did his two years National Service in the RAF as an airframe mechanic.

My grandfather had a long career in the RAF *and it's predecessors*. He joined the RN before WW-I as a ship's boy. When the Fleet Air Arm was started he got into that as a mechanic. He went to the RAF when it was formed by the merger of the FAA & RFC. By the early 1930s he earned a commission and became a fighter pilot. (I have a propeller hub that is allegedly from the first aeroplane he crashed.) He was posted to Egypt sometime in the 1930s and stayed there for the duration of the war. He rose to a wartime flag officer rank, I'm not sure what level. He retired in the mid-1950s with the permanent rank of Wing Commander. He was born before the Wright Brothers' flight and lived long enough to see the first Moon landing.
 

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I sometimes describe myself as multilingual.
I used to consider myself multilingual, because I could swear in 7 or 8 langues, not including American and English. I'm down to 3, maybe 4, now.
 

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My father and his father both served in the RAF.

My father turned 18 on VJ Day so he missed the hostilities. He did his two years National Service in the RAF as an airframe mechanic.

My grandfather had a long career in the RAF *and it's predecessors*. He joined the RN before WW-I as a ship's boy. When the Fleet Air Arm was started he got into that as a mechanic. He went to the RAF when it was formed by the merger of the FAA & RFC. By the early 1930s he earned a commission and became a fighter pilot. (I have a propeller hub that is allegedly from the first aeroplane he crashed.) He was posted to Egypt sometime in the 1930s and stayed there for the duration of the war. He rose to a wartime flag officer rank, I'm not sure what level. He retired in the mid-1950s with the permanent rank of Wing Commander. He was born before the Wright Brothers' flight and lived long enough to see the first Moon landing.
What a wonderful career you grandfather had.
 

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An 84-year-old man is having a drink in Harpoon
Harry's.

Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a
few seats away.

The girl is so attractive that he just can't
take his eyes off her.

After a short while, the girl notices him
staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl
looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a
sultry tone:"I'll do anything you'd like.
Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams,
it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is,
I'm game. I want $100, and there's another
condition."'

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events,
the man asks her what her condition is.

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in
just three words."

The man takes a moment to consider the offer
from the beautiful woman.

He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars
into her hand...

He then looks her square in the eyes, and says
slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to
look for bargains
 

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Hey this is me. Now that is scary.
Stay with this -- the answer is at the end... It will blow you away.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother
About current events.
This woman would be only 67 years old .
She would have been born in late 1952.
Afraid granny needs to take a history class. I was born in late 1940, and when I read this I was sure I knew of some of this stuff way before I was 12, I knew instant coffee was in WWII rations. So started checking.

The only things that came after she was born were, the pill, laser beams, and pantyhose. She may not have had knowledge of the other things, but in one form or another, they were all there.

Frozen foods - 1930s.
The first contact lenses were glass - 1887.
Frisbees - 1948.
Instant coffee - way older.
Clothes dryers - way older.
I'll let you all look the rest of them up.
 

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Two Blondes With Hammers..



Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work

on a Habitat for Humanity House.

Lynn was nailing down house siding,

would reach into her nail

pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it

over her shoulder or nail it in.



Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, '

Why are you throwing those nails away?'

Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,

about half of them have the head on the wrong end

& I throw them away.'

Judy got completely upset & yelled,

'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!

They're for the other side of the house!'
 

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A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip


of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency

room doctor asked her.



'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.



'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'



'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &

then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants.....



I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'



'So then?' asked the doctor.



'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000..00

to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'



'So then?'



'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a

loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the

trigger.
 

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'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a

loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the

trigger.
OMG.....That is so real.....
 

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>
> A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
>
> The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
>
> The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
>
> The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
>
> The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
>
> The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man.
>
> "And has she helped you make a decision?"
>
> "Yes" says the man.
>
> "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
>
> "We're getting granite counter tops."
 
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