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A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup, but with vinegar.
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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
 

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Well, I'd never have the cojones to post that. It is funny if you have that type of sense of humOUR.

I do agree with 13 though and the doughnut thing (1) made me laugh.
 

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I suspect that there are a few people who believe this and a few of those who think this is a good idea.
 

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Benjamin Rush is a relative of mine. If you look at the Declaration of Independence, you will note that he signed right before Benjamin Franklin. Harry, it is not really funny, IMHO. We have enough people here that want to establish an aristocracy with unlimited powers.
I might move to North Dakota, too.
 

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I think I will invoke the "Thumperian Principle"...
 

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That's actually kinda funny Harry. Some of them made me think such as The "World" Series for baseball. Wonder who came up with that..one of the 97.9% whose entire world consists of the US I guess...
 

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what does Bambi have to do w/ this...

Not Bambi...Thumper was taught a very valuable lesson by his dad... "If you can't say anything nice, don't say nothing at all" (Thumperian Principle)

I didn't have anything nice to say about the post...
 

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Not Bambi...Thumper was taught a very valuable lesson by his dad... "If you can't say anything nice, don't say nothing at all" (Thumperian Principle)

I didn't have anything nice to say about the post...
not here either..
so he thumped instead and Bambi's mom ripped him a new one.............................
thought you were going that way...
 

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I think Harry meant it in good fun guys but if enough of you find it offensive one of us Mods will remove it.

I was thinking of adding to it that 39.37 inches in metric is a metre and a meter is a dial with numbers on it but I'll refrain from doing that.

By the way Harry, is messanger the Australian spelling of messenger? :wink: There, I think I've poked both sides equally.
 
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Sorry Don but I had to delete that. While Harry's post deals with no favoritism towards either side yours was too specific. We've been allowing generalized comments about politics or politicians, we still don't allow comments about a specific politician or party, good or bad.
 

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I'm glad to see that everyone has a reasonable sense of HUMOUR.
Tongue in cheek, but could be incendiary to some.
This, I guess, is what the Brits/Aussies call "taking the mickey".
We here might say it's "pulling your leg".
 

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I think Harry meant it in good fun guys but if enough of you find it offensive one of us Mods will remove it.

I was thinking of adding to it that 39.37 inches in metric is a metre and a meter is a dial with numbers on it but I'll refrain from doing that.

By the way Harry, is messanger the Australian spelling of messenger? :wink: There, I think I've poked both sides equally.
Nah, just a slip of the tongue that slipped passed my spell checker. Of course I posted it as a bit of fun and in my wildest dreams didn't expect ANYONE to take offence.
 

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ROFL Harry!!!!!!!!

I've decided to vote "None of the Above" just like Brewster, in "Brewsters' Millions" this year. I learned my lesson on voting for the lessor of two evils. Neither of the nit wits that were nominated deserve or should be in the White House, and I'm so disgusted with our Country, that I could spit on our Nation's Capital... totally disgusted with the whole thing!!!!
 
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